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| According to the cited article, at least 1 of these 3 thinks rape is okay in this moment. We disagree... But some kind of weird thing is definitely going on in this picture. Ew... |
For crying out loud! Do you believe the craziness in THIS article?!?!: http://mic.com/articles/108222/1-in-3-college-men-endorse-rape-but-don-t-consider-themselves-rapists
Did you get done reading it? Good! Let's discuss! (Wait - you didn't? Well, do it! Fine! *sigh* We'll wait...) OKAY -- Having just reread my first sentence, and it seems a little confusing - so let me be VERY specific:
I DO NOT BELIEVE THIS ARTICLE IS CRAZY IN ITS CONCLUSIONS!! What I find crazy is that what it says is true: 1 in 3 college-age men think forced intercourse is okay (but do not consider it rape or themselves rapists for their involvement), while 13% would rape and, apparently, be okay with it. Disgusting...
Let's step back from this for a moment --
I am sickened by the thought that someone... any one... thinks it is okay to force themselves on someone else under any circumstances. For crying out loud - I barely can bring myself to keep talking to someone who obviously does not want to talk, much less anything else.
To anyone who thinks that forced intercourse is okay, or thinks that having a callous attitude about sex is okay: can you explain to me why and under what circumstances? Because, honestly, I have been wracking my brain and can not think of ANY time it is acceptable... Not one single one.
How serious am I about that? Here is some disclosure about me in a personal story -- this is a little uncomfortable to share with everyone, but I think it is important:
A long time ago (How long ago? I could legally buy alcohol at age 19, THAT's how long ago.), I was at a party with a comfortable number of people my age at one of our apartments. All of us living on our own. There was a lot of flirting going on. And a lot of drinking. Kisses were exchanged. Promises were made. But by the time the particular young lady and I stopped making out long enough to retire to a bedroom, she was so drunk she pretty much just passed out. Once she lay down - she was out!
I gently tried to wake her a couple times - but it was obvious she was totally gone, so I did the only thing I could do. I rolled her on her side and made her as comfortable as I could, tucked her in with the blankets (all without undressing her), and left as quietly as possible so as to not disturb her. Let her flatmates know she was sleeping it off and left. Probably was not in her room more than 10 minutes.
Now I am no saint, but never in my life would I consider undressing someone or continuing any kind of contact once I realized she had passed out and unable to consent -- no matter what kind of promises were made beforehand. Or how much I had to drink...
These days, of course, I would probably be much more careful about leaving her alone in her room. I have since realized leaving a drunk person alone where they might choke on their vomit is a bad idea. I might have even just called it a night after getting her to her door so there was no chance of being accused of anything by anyone. Or called a flatmate in to help me get her tucked in - verifying she was safe and unmolested. But I was younger then... and it was a different time.
But the attitude of some of my roommates and friends (guys, of course) at that time was that promises had been made. Maybe there was even some expectation by her that something should have happened. Honestly, I could not agree with this. And this was my explanation to them:
I certainly did not want her to have any regrets if anything had happened - and I did not want to have any regrets, either. Say what you will - but I had enough respect for her (and myself) to think that even if it could not happen tonight, I would have more chances in the future. I have never in my life been so desperate to think that this was going to be my only chance to score.
Did anything happen between this girl and I later down the road? No. Through no fault of her, by the next party I had moved on, obsessed with someone else that I chased around (really, I was kind of a jerk back then), and we never found ourselves in that kind of position again.
*shrug*
I am totally okay with that.
For a definition of what they mean by callous sexual attitudes, I recommend you read this article: http://online.liebertpub.com/doi/full/10.1089/vio.2014.0022
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| You are safe with this crew (clockwise l to r): Rev Tommy Gunn, George the Giant, Black Scorpion and the Professor in Miami, FL. That's like, 6 dudes, there... |
I wish I could say that the article was surprising.... but it isn't. Too many boys/men are not taught that non-consensual is the same as rape. That means everything from "no" to "passed out" and everything in between. Period.
ReplyDeleteFrom my own experience I have been in the position where I was a bit more inebriated than I probably should have been and damnit I wanted to. He wasn't going to because of my state (which is commendable), but I wasn't going to take "no" for an answer for ^that reason. "I don't want to" is one thing "you're too drunk" wasn't good enough. Did I regret it after? No. I had fun. So did he. There's something to be said for knowing the people you're messing around with and knowing where each other stands under sober circumstances.
Which of course brings up the whole "it was okay before" excuse; which rolls back to "no means no". FINALLY some states are prosecuting men who rape their wives. A ring and a piece of paper are NOT a waiver of any sort. A persons body is still their own and forcing oneself on another is never acceptable... Unless it's consensual. Some people are into that.
Sorry, that feels like it was a little all over the place. My mom was raped several times when she was in the army and being the 70s... reporting it just made things worse. So I've had some pretty strong opinions on the matter for a very long time.
The thing that really just grates on me is that most of these guys who think it's okay and/or don't view it as rape would feel so incredibly different if it was another guy forcing himself on them; but somehow it's different if they're doing it to a woman. The total lack of empathy is baffling.
Kudos to you for, ya know, doing what any decent person would. I don't know if it's weird, but *two thumbs up*.
Thank you so much for sharing Lizzy! Truth is so important -- and thank you for sharing yours with us. It is really awful that society (for lack of a better word) make it so bad for the people who report rape. Is unfair. Is ridiculous! Very little makes me as angry as that does...
ReplyDeleteI hope everyone will talk about it and together we can do something positive every day.
I do have to agree with you Reverend. I myself was taught and have upheld this, that under no circumstances would I engage in ANY activity with someone under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Even if it was the slightest. To try and do something with someone like that is extremely disrespectful and could come back and bite you in the rear later. If I found myself in a spot where I had to get someone to bed that was drunk (which I have had to do) I always made sure I had a female friend escort me to their room and watch me put them in bed and leave.I can remember one time where I was also drunk at home and a friend came over drunk. She pulled me to my room laid down and passed out. I walked out of the room, locking the door behind me, left a note on the door telling her I was at my neighbors and left the house. I ended up waking up the next morning on my neighbors couch to my phone ringing from my friend thanking for not doing anything with her. To force yourself on someone who is drunk or unable to to think clearly is not only stupid but shows the world you are no type of person at all. Your basically announcing you are a monster and can never be trusted.
ReplyDeleteReverend thank you for sharing this. Your friend Reaper