Once You Fall Off --

 

Monday means blog entry. 

Even though I am on the road (again) and swamped with stuff - I gotta keep up on this!

This morning I found out a good friend of mine and his wife got divorced last year. It is pretty sad news - they seemed so happy! I do not know - or even presume to know - what happened. I know they moved far away to be close to her family; and I am sure there was a lot of culture shock in living in a new place, and her having her family around more - those are the kinds of things that change relationships. Not always for the worst, of course. Just as often for the better. 

But it reminds me that relationships take work!  The only thing constant is change.

When I talk to folks who are always saying things like, "we are waiting until we achieve x, before we do y," or folks who have this checklist of achievements & goals that their prospective mate has to have attained to be considered, I am ALWAYS like: what is wrong with you?

That big house with the great property value? A single thing could ruin it all: bad neighbor moves in, disaster strikes, the bubble bursts...

Good job? Company gets sold, lay-offs happen, market changes & they go out of business...

Doesn't want (or wants) kids? Circumstances change, goals change, or just holding a baby puts the baby clock in countdown (I've seen it happen)...

Good career or prospects? Goal oriented? That's all fine and good until they realize it is NOT what they want to do, or those goals change, or you all discover it does not pay what you thought it would. 

Suddenly, you need to return home to take care of elderly parents. Suddenly, the feds show up and it turns out your boss has been stealing for the from the company and framed you for it. Suddenly, you find out someone you trusted has wrecked your credit because they've been stealing from you. It happens. 

Humans biggest fault is that they think they can control what cannot be controlled: the future, the weather, human nature... Not gonna happen. 

Once you fall off, you just have to get back on. 

It's All About the Family

We have judged you & found you wanting.

Here is something I want you to think about, if your significant other's parents hate your guts (I don't mean just dislike you, I mean really, really HATE you), then this is my advice to you: DO NOT GET MARRIED!

Seriously, and I speak from experience, if your significant other's parents hate you, this is the first of many signs that your relationship is doomed to failure. Give it up. Walk away. No harm, no foul.

Why is it doomed to failure, you may ask?

Whether they mean to or not, they will undermine you at every chance that they get. And, seeing as they are the filter to meeting you for all of their family friends as well as extended family, you really stand no chance.

In nearly every case I have been involved or observed, too - there is a REASON these people dislike you, and do not think you should be dating their child.

I am painting this in pretty broad strokes, but think about this: the person that you are dating has a history that you do not know about. I do not mean necessarily exes, or drama, but I do mean habits. Maybe they have habits and family history that precludes you from being the perfect mate for them. You may not see that. The person you are dating may not be able to see it. But friends and family? They can see it.

Because when I say family, I don't just mean blood relatives. I'm also talking about close friends, church family, and maybe even people in their scene. These people have all known the person that you are dating longer than you have. They can see things that you cannot. 

I myself, was dating this girl and her parents hated my guts. Not because I was a bad person necessarily, but because they could see that we were just two totally opposite things. Now initially, I think I took this as a challenge.

After all, who does not like being painted as the bad boy or the rebel?

But I did try to be fair to her parents. They questioned our relationship several times and counseled her to break up with me on a couple of occasions. I told her that she should listen to them. They are her parents after all. And she had a good relationship with them. Their advice came from the heart. But in the end, she did not break up with me.

When the people at our school, where she and I both attended, they still had her best interests at heart. They told me the same thing.  But neither of us would listen to them. Her church pretty much threw every roadblock they could in our way!

So you see where this is going? 

Eventually, we would get married after dating for five years. And then, finally, things ended. It turned out we were not compatible after all. And…

Well, it was ugly.

After we split, my parents (who did not dislike this girl) told me that they were not surprised that we had to split up. And I asked them why they didn't say anything while we were dating. And they were pretty frank with me:

"we told you," they said. "but you just would not listen."

This was a refrain I heard from a lot of friends in the months and years afterward. Heck, there were people I trusted saying that to me the night before our wedding. But I was just so caught up that I would not listen. But I realize now, that all of the signs were there. This girl's family did not like me, her friends did not like me, and even her church did not like me. But I would not listen. 

My friends and family, while they did not dislike her, continually were like, "what are you doing!"

Even as I look back on it, I realize that my dog did not particularly like her either.

So there you have it. Learn to recognize the signs. And, again, if it does not work out that's just the way it goes. There is no blame. Just accept that some people are just not compatible.

Most of all, listen to your dog!

Bitch, please...