Friday, January 23, 2015

Apologies, Assault, Violence & Healing

This is the kind of look that gets you the ladies!
Said no woman ever... except sarcastically.

My son actually got a little upset with me when he found out I had started this blog based on his conversation with his mom. He was upset, too, that I had shared the picture of his notebook in a previous entry (you can read it here:

So I officially want to say, "I'm sorry," to my son. I was not trying to embarrass you, kid.

That said, I am going to continue this conversation. It was really only in the first few entries I wanted to reference you the most -- so any readers might get a background as to why this discussion is so important. A little bit of embarrassing stories. A little bit of remembrance.

And consider this official notice that the "good old days" were nothing of the kind.


Then on Monday - because I am trying really hard to post every week on Friday & Monday - I posted THIS blog-y type post: about rape. It got some interesting reactions...

I feel I must clarify:

Not for one moment do I think that just because I did not take advantage of someone who was drunk this one time, do I think that this somehow makes me "better" or "more trustworthy" or... whatever... I don't know. These were some of the things I was accused of touting.

There is a lot of focus lately (for good reason) in the media about white, male privilege. Looking at my post through that filter, I can see that it may smack of a "hey, we're not all bad" kind of thing, which was not my intent. Really, I just wanted to say that to me - for whoever & whatever I am -forcing affections or sexual attention on someone makes no sense. For anyone. Ever. And it should not make sense to you, either.

THIS is what I want to share with my kids. And you.

An article appeared on Cracked right after I wrote my last post, and I thought it was important to link to it ( because it especially bothered me that someone who is assaulted has to go through such a difficult process. At the core of that difficulty is, I believe, the real fear of that kind of attack AND, at some base primitive level, what such a thing means to any bloodlines and the like. Don't get me wrong! I'm no scientist or anything - but I really think this might be a part of it. I welcome your comments.

One of my friends commented on my Facebook profile when I originally posted the direct link to the post on 01/19 that he thought the study I referenced was probably bogus. I hope he is right - BUT, I am afraid he is not. My example: I only briefly touched on the afterward of my drunk date story. When I related what happened to male friends and acquaintances, the vocal responses were primarily along the lines of, "Dude, you should have totally hit that" and "I wouldn't have just left."

When I brought up to these conversations what was my other thought at the time, that I did not want her to not remember any sexual contact we may have had, the overall reaction was along the lines of, "So what? At least you would've got some."


Back to the article above -- touching quickly on how well she was able to deal with what happened, and how it flew in the face of people's (probably tv & movie based) idea of how she felt and what she was going through: I cannot tell you how many female friends & acquaintances have been comfortable enough to relate to me (because I promised not to, but it has been a frightening number. Honestly, having this happen to any one of them is upsetting enough) that they were sexually assaulted at some point.

It makes me angry. Very, very angry.

But it is in dealing with it that true strength is shown. I have often offered to help them hunt down and take revenge on their assailants. Never has anyone taken me up on the offer... Apparently, my quite serious offer is (rightfully) not regarded as an actual want to heal -- and, therefore, I am not helping things.

Sometimes - even when I am trying to bring it from a good place - I am, at my core, something of a self-centered jerk. Sorry. I'm working on it...

Yeah. You don't want any of this...


  1. I guess that makes us both self-centered jerks because that's always my first and true reaction as well.

    That article was very hard to read. I had to break three times. The most upsetting was how much time she had to spend in close proximity to her attacker during the court process. Is that normal in other kinds of cases? I really don't know, but it doesn't seem like it should be. Also, "what happened was God's way of breaking me down so I could go home to him". Seriously?! Anyone who believe that their supposedly "loving god" would get someone raped for any reason needs a long dunk in the holy water.

    Reason #1, though, especially hit me hard. I've known a lot of people who've been sexually assaulted and three of them specifically have told me that they HAD dealt with it. They were just fine and living their lives not even thinking about it. Until therapy. All of the crap and feelings and anxieties were all dredged up again... and left unresolved for various reasons. (therapist transferred, insurance ran out, etc) Yes, therapy is good, but if someone is genuinely fine then there's no reason to try and draw it all back out again. It's the victim's life and choice, no one else's.

    Also (last thing, I promise lol) I did see that "bogus" comment and I think it's wishful thinking. Or denial. Even joking about rape means that some part of them thinks it's no big deal. Or, at the very least, not as big a deal as it really, truly is.

  2. Here is a bonus that just appeared on - 6 Viral Stories That Were Total BS ( At the forefront is that the "1 in 3 Men Love Rape" story I sited at the beginning of that other article was a BS article. HOPEFULLY *that* version of reality is true...